drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


um, you might want to stay away from this one

I am sitting here at JR's office, on his computer (which has one of those aerodynamic or orthopedic or whatever keyboards so it is taking me fifty times as long to type and I feel like a retard but I've decided not to censor my typing errors in the interest of finishing this entry tonight).

Remember how curiosity killed the cat? I'm the cat. I'm not dead, but I wish I was.

I'm beind melodramatic again, I know. But I just saw pictures of Alicia, the elusive yet ever-present girlfriend, whoi, if I'm being honest with myself, which is very hard, is actua;;y pretty. In that really un-annoying way. Ralph-Lauren model pretty, as in no makeupm, kind of mannish-lookinmg, clean, freckly. She also looks older (*not older than me, just older), which sounds contradictory but is not. Her kid is silghtly hideous. But that mya be just me.

There were also pictures of Heidi looking incredibly comfortable in his house. HIS house. As in, the house he got to get away from her. Rememeber when he was fucking her? Yeah. It was then. If I were paranoid enough I would check the date for discrepancies in his story, but I know I'd find them and I am just not able to take it right now. There is a picture of her naked except for the silk robe he is always trying to get me to waear.

There are also three folders full of pictures of this hideous girl posing seductively in a pink bikini. Her face is gargoyle-esque (i'm not exaggerating even thoygh I'm prone to it), and her stomach is large and cellulite-ridden. She's probably the gir;l he fucked while he was in the Phililppenes. Oh, I didn't tell you abouyt thjat? My bad.

Isn't JR a great guy? Let's throw him a party.

What is wrong with me? Am I THAT attention-starved? Has there ever, on the face of the plamnetr, been anyone more pathetic than I am? Even in the dephts of my patheticism I recognize that I am the most pathetic person ever. Yet it does nothing to allieve my ache. I am so goddamn fucking confused. Am I okay with being his friend or am I not? What is my fucking probleM? Why do I keep switcjing mindsets? I cannot keep track.

He never said he was a good person. I just assumed. And fell for him. In whatever way I did, I did fall for him. God fucking damnit.

I'm sorry. Tears, angerm, one and a half cans of sparky or whatever its called, and a fucked up keyboard (what were they thinking?>!) do not a good entry make.

7:39 p.m. - 2004-03-17


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