drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


warning: this entry really blows (no, not that way, sorry)

Today I felt like a normal human being, for a while. It was my clothes. I went shopping the other day and spent way more money than I should have, but it was worth it. I actually feel acceptable. I'm tired of shlunking around in my dirty boy's pants and torn black tank top. I always have this feeling like people are looking down on me. Like I'm letting people down by not dressing nicely. It's sick, I know, but a person can only not care for so long.

Today I wore a black (I'm moving gradually) camisole-y thing and jeans that actually don't fit me but they're comfortable and they look better than most jeans on me. I have to choose which body part to sacrifice: hips and thighs, or waist. It's like Sophie's Choice. Something's gonna hafta suffer. I chose waist. My pants fall down but they fit my hips!

JR and I had decided to remain friends. Only friends. No 'benefits' part. Yeah, guess how long that lasted. The next time I went over to his house, which was this afternoon, to run lines. We've been flirting backstage like rabbits (as it were), but only grabbing and feeling up and teasing. That pretense came to a screeching halt this afternoon, however.

Wham bam, and there I am, panting on the floor.

We took a shower together. I'd done that before, with Milo (in JR's old house, funnily enough), but it was still unusual. Different. I do like showering off all the sweat, however. He was quite sweaty.

One of the men in the play, Jack, was late (as were we), and he rushed there after work and complained to JR, "Well, I just got off."

And JR said, "What a coincidence...so did I!"

Anthony is a painter. He wants me to model for him.

Do you think he means in the nude?

Maddy (of Kate and Maddy, the twins), playing Mary opposite JR (Yeah, she's the one with a gigantic crush on him) was sick the last few nights, so they were seriously worrying about her being able to perform tonight. So Nicole gave me a script and said, "Start learning." And oh, I would have loved to. Not just kissing JR in public and getting to act opposite him, which would be great (he wanted me to so badly- I'm not a great actress, but I'm better than she is, not to mention the kissing wouldn't be forced at all), but the excitement, the danger, the adrenaline rush of it all. When I'm in a play, I love that sense of 'nothing else matters- the show must go on'. I would have spent all day practicing and I would have done it. I can memorize lines like falling off a log. I know most of them already, just from wandering around during rehearsal. I would so have liked to be the understudy who was a huge success and saved the day. I went to bed last night thinking, "Oh man, I'm gonna do this."

And woke up knowing that I wouldn't. Maybe it was my dream (Kate and Maddy trying to kill me), but I woke up knowing that Maddy would never let me do it. She'd crawl onstage if she had to, coughing up blood and dying. I knew I'd never get to do it.

JR and I are conducting an experiment. You know how when someone tells a joke or says something and you laugh and then say, "That was funny." Do you say that when it was funny, or when you just can't laugh anymore and you want to be supportive. In short, you're saying exactly what you don't mean.

I know that often I say, "Interesting," when I don't think it really is all that interesting, I just have nothing at all to say to you.

I have a feeling I shouldn't be spreading this information around. "'Cause you know, I only say 'interesting' when it isn't. And I say it all the time."
"Don't sir me!"
"Yes, sir."
"And say 'sir' when you don't!"
-Catch 22

I don't know why that popped into my head, but it did and you are subjected to it.

Several times during the course of writing this entry the thought has occurred to me that perhaps I oughtn't to post this entry, as it is a load of shit and messily (and barely) written, and boring to boot. But writing in here has become a sort of mind-purge, and for some reason posting my purges is like the last heave. I wouldn't feel finished without doing so. I would be walking around mourning those disgusting words I deleted. For even though they aren't precious or well-put-together words, they are my words and they make up my thoughts and goings-on. I'm not even going to fix this entry, I'm just going to leave it retarded like this. It's therapy. And at this point in my life, I need something to keep me sane or I'll go crazy. (Or is that redundant?)

My birthday's on Monday. Huh.

My sincere apologies for any inconveniences (and narcoleptic fits) this entry may have caused.

11:11 p.m. - 2003-12-05


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