drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


in which i most likely lose both of my readers

JR text-messaged me in the morning. "Can I ask you a question?"

I was going to write, "You just did," but it was clichéd and circular, so I said, "Shoot."

Apparently he couldn't get it out in that little tiny LCD screen so I ended up having to call him.

"When is your next period?" was the big question. Oh. That. Great.

He explained that he'd had a very bad nightmare and ended up realizing that the worst of it was actually quite possible- he'd gotten me pregnant.

I have absolute faith in the pill. Either it works like a motherfucker or I'm completely barren. There have been so many instances where I really should have gotten pregnant, what with the near misses (or hits...! ...I'm sorry.) I've had. So I'm not worried. But he is always worried about that sort of thing, and he wanted to know if I had a 'plan'.

Interesting, because a couple months ago I heard at dinner that my mom was pro-life. We had a long heated 'discussion' about it. I'd always assumed that my mom would be pro-choice, just because she's liberal and Democratic, and reasonable. Pro-lifers always conjure up an image of cross-laden, frigid, manic sign-wavers shouting about murder and fetuses (fetusi?). I'm sorry if that's being stereotypical and clichéd, but this is an issue that is rife with both and I'm not going to censor my stereotypes on my own diary. I will, however, confess that after the dinner conversation I was much more hip to the alternative thinking and have renounced my stereotypical mindset. It was interesting to hear both sides.

Today's conversation brought it all back but I had to admit that were it to come down to it, I would choose to abort, since I can't handle a baby right now. Let me rephrase that, I can't handle being pregnant either. It just shouldn't happen, period. But if I can't handle the repercussions, should I really be doing this?

Oh, and then the very idea of aborting a child of mine. What if it was a little girl, tomboyish and clever, who had eyes like JR's and a voice like mine? Or what if it was a funny, raucous boy, who danced with me in the kitchen and read books?

That is the very reason that I am hesitant to write off the pro-lifer's arguments. Maybe they're right.

Oh, I'm talking myself in circles now. I'm confessing and professing and contradicting and ridiculing. I'm sorry.

I am not a very sentimental person, when it comes to a lot of things. I will discard the idea that I shouldn't be having sex if I can't handle having a baby. Because sex just isn't about having a baby, not in this day and age. It's about two people (yes, I know, sometimes not even that), and therefore a completely separate occasion. Two people can come together for love, lust, and everything in between. That's why we have birth control.

And mine works.

So why are we having this discussion.

7:42 p.m. - 2003-09-25


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