drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


run around

You may not know this about me but I am a total wuss when it comes to roller coasters. A fact which I rediscovered while I was on one today. Yeah. A little late. That's typical.

So here I am, trapped in a creaky little cage, getting slammed around at a rate not at all comfortable to me, holding on for dear life, trying not to puke or cry. Poor me. Trauma in The Bullet.

In other news, The Perfect Couple (Heidi and JR) is splitting up. Oh my god. This makes me want to set my hair on fire and run around in circles clucking like a chicken.

Well, okay, not really. It just makes me really confused. I don't know what's expected of me now. Do I stay friends with both of them, and risk hurting myself, and Heidi? JR is pretty invulnerable. I don't want to get back into that Scarlet Letter social stigma program we had going. Great.

An eloquent quote from Heidi's informative email to me: "I am sad but I actually feel real good about it. I have not been single in so long! I can do things now without JR frowning at me! Like eat lots of fried chicken or watch tons of TV. So you can go after him now. I just hope he does not flaunt his dates in front of me. Not yet anyway."

That kills me. That she'd expect me to jump on the chance to snag him for myself. I don't even know what to say. I don't know what to do.

It's true that we click, we understand each other, we always have a blast together, and we're attracted to each other, but I can't ruin a good friendship for that.

Anyway, this is the guy who cheated with me. How could I be crazy enough to actually get romantically attached to him?

Aaaand then...he told me once that he thinks that people cheat when they're not satisfied with their current relationship. And that if he had me, he doesn't think he would ever be unsatisfied.

This is the guy who told me I'm an angel, I'm a goddess, a siren. Once when Thomas and I were having a very heated, rising-decibal 'conversation' (okay, argument), he was within hearing range (as in...within a mile) and afterwards he said to me, in response to my accusations to Thomas, "How could he not be in love with you? You're irresistible." And admitted that when I started crying in the middle of yelling he started feeling really disturbed and wanted to comfort me and protect me from Thomas. This is the guy who told me that I am perfect, that my body is perfect and I am the most beautiful girl he's ever had a chance to be close to. Sometimes he'd look at me for a long time and then say, "I could so fall for you." Lines? Maybe.

But this is also the guy who laughs at my jokes, and makes ones that are impossible not to laugh at, a guy who gets my humor and reciprocates. This is the guy who will talk to me for hours on the phone or in person when he's supposed to be working. This is the guy who will come to my work and tell me he misses me. This is the guy who will email me funny little notes just to say hi. This is the guy who will give me endless 'guy advice' just so he can be around me. This is the guy I hit up for 'guy advice' just so I can be around him.

What is this? What the hell am I talking about?

I don't want JR. He's incapable of monogamy. He's arrogant. He's annoying. He's also Heidi's.

Uuuuhhhh! They can't break up! This is all so unexpected! I didn't even accidentally instigate it this time! I don't think.

I feel indescribably horrible about what happened, and I was so happy to see them together and happy again. I really hope it's not my fault, and I would do anything to take it all back. I'm really going to miss them together. And there's no way that I will be so cruel as to even think about hurting anyone like that. I mean, I shouldn't even be thinking about it. Erm, I'm not considering it. It's different.

Well, I am going crazy. For real this time. Assuming I haven't already.

Which is a pretty stupid assumption.

Speaking of my inadequacies, I am about to murder my sisters. All four of them. A mass homicide. I'm serious.

And next time I'm not going on any roller coaster above the family friendly rating. Thank you very much.

5:24 p.m. - 2003-08-04


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