drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


I'm...something...and vaguely discontented...

Try as I might, I cannot remember the adjective that precedes discontented in that lyric. Ah well.

I went to the master class. I don't think I told you about it. A master class is, basically, when a master of something teaches a class. In this case, it was a portly tenor teaching young singers. I don't know if I would refer to him as a master, but...

Now I want to 'switch majors', as it were. I don't know if I can handle this career.

I love to sing. But I hate to sing in public. I keep forgetting this fact and then remembering it suddenly right before I'm about to do it.

I am also a very sensitive person, as you may or may not know. My ballet teacher when I was six used to make me cry. Regularly. Same with my piano teacher. So why the hell would someone like me set herself up for an entire class full of nothing but criticism? Barely constructive, on top of that.

I have a nasal quality. Which I knew. I sound like Sarah Brightman, whose voice he hates ('Not that that means you don't have a beautiful voice...'). I sang 'Think of Me' too perfectly. Well, fuck, can I please you? I think he had more fun with the threadbare, screeching rendition of 'I Dreamed a Dream'.

There was a baritone with a beautiful voice there, and his song was picked apart quite ruthlessly. Our Master had, of course, not a lot to say about his voice.

What can one get out of a comment like, "Beautiful. It was great. Really. But..." when it's delivered to each and every singer after each and every song, indiscriminately? I'll tell you what. Nothing. At all.

And I was so hoping it was going to be constructive. I wanted him to help me with my voice, tell me if I would make it, not pick apart the phrasing of 'Think of Me'. How helpful is that?

I cannot handle being shot down, being criticized, and here I am feeling this even though "You suck. Get off the show" wasn't heard at all?

The trouble is, if I don't have singing, I have nothing at all. I like to do things, people say I have talents in a few things, but they're half-assed talents. Writing, maybe, drawing, maybe, acting, maybe, but none of the above are very extraordinarily good. I'm just competent. I don't have the passion for it like I do singing. And it isn't even singing, really, it's the stage. It's being told I have something rare, and I do it well. If I don't have that, what do I have?

5:42 p.m. - 2003-11-06


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