drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


the requisite broken heart entry

Why is it that after indulging in a scary movie, all the horrors of the world seem more vivid, more likely. In reality one is just as likely to be offed by an axe murderer before seeing a scary movie as afterwards, but it sure doesn't seem that way. Sometimes it seems that the more perception about the world we have, more conscious, the more likely we are to experience those horrors we subsequently know more about. Does that make any sense? One day I started reading a copy of JR's The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life or something like that (just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you) and I had to stop because it really was making me more paranoid and I felt a million times more susceptible to the world.

I feel...neglected. Let down. Lonely. I guess I'm just one of those ex-girlfriends he expects never to talk to again. I wanted to be the one to eliminate contact with him, dammit. But the truth is, I don't even think that I would be strong enough to. If I knew that he were there, alone, missing me, on the other line, I would call him and talk to him all the time, and who knows what that would lead to. I am so weak when it comes to these things. It's only the idea that he lies to me, that he doesn't give a flying fuck about me, that he's chasing after other girls desperate to get laid that stays my hand. But even taking into account all that...

I just...I don't know. For once I'd like to be in contact with one of those guys I gave myself up to. Is it too much to ask that they remain infatuated with me? Or at least that they maintain a level of caring about me? I mean, is that SO FUCKING MUCH TO ASK???

Fucking hell. I feel like a disease or something. Once removed from Sarah one must immediately forget she ever existed and purge her from as many areas of one's life as possible. This was much easier for my previous ex-boyfriend to do as all he needed to do was remove me from his buddy list. I'll probably be running into this one, at the coffee shop where we met if nowhere else. It hurts so badly to look at his handsome face and strong arms and know that some other girl is kissing the former and hanging on to the latter (whew, that was a weird sentence). If only I hadn't let myself fall in love. If only had I never started with him. Why couldn't he have had some sort of warning attached? You know, like with child molesters you can look it up on the internet and see if one lives near you? Warning: Renowned heartbreaker Thomas Avila living within 20 miles of you...please take all precautions necessary to avoid becoming the next victim. Fuck. I'm so glad I discovered html. It makes emoting so much easier.

I didn't do anything! I didn't ask for him to be a psycho! I just flirted with him at the coffee shop and gave him my number. I've always thought those stories of potential boyfriends being researched through their exes were idiotic and unnecessary, but now it makes sense. After all, they can tell you if he's a psychopath. Though I'm not so sure that if PH came to me I wouldn't tell her to go for it. :)

I hate hating.

9:43 p.m. - 2003-06-03


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