drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


the narcissus complex and its slow decay

Please go back an entry for red hot shocking news! (Well, not really, but it was a bit of a shock to my personal system). And I know how you don't wanna miss a word...

It has come to my attention that I am a total idiot. My sadistic inner voice told me. I was like, "SIV, you're s'posed to be, like, intuitive, and tell me not to do stupid shit, but all you really do is watch me do stupid shit and then tell me I'm stupid afterwards." What the fuck. I was born with no automatic Idio-monitor.

I have not really taken action. Not really. Through no fault of my own. I've just been thwarted at every crossroad. I did call Thomas. No go. Paul isn't coming to visit for another week at least. And JR is not answering his phone. Presumably he's fucking his creepy blonde girlfriend.

The thought torments me. I've said it a million times, but in case you're just tuning in, I'll reiterate. I love to torture myself. I have to be in thrall to some asshole every second of the day. Completely spell-bound and domesticated. Just put a fucking leash on me and we're good to go. "It doesn't have to be this way!" you scream (don't you?), but that's not helpful. Tell that to my ...heart? Libido? Overactive imagination?

JR lent me 'The Art of Seduction' by Robert Greene. It's fascinating. I've read Greene's '48 Laws of Power', which was incredible as well. Both are chock-full of historical events and make you feel as if you were right there reliving everything. In 'Seduction' there are eight types of seducers. A long time ago, when JR had been reading the book himself, he pegged me as 'The Siren'. The beautiful, irresistible, volatile, enthralling type. This comparison always made me feel like a goddess. I grew attached to JR. Not even JR, just the way JR made me feel. He made me feel like the most beautiful, interesting, fascinating girl alive. And I believe he was earnest about it (Incidentally, JR is 'The Ideal Lover', which is not as flattering as it sounds. It means one who conforms to their victim's tastes, makes them feel perfect).

Now he seems to have lost his adoration for me, and the thought chills me to the core. Without his veneration, what am I?

I know that sounds ridiculous, but I am the biggest head case ever, and I rely on these things to a degree that is both pathetic and sickening. All my pleasure is derived from how many compliments I get, the degree of the compliment, the people complimenting, how good I look one day.

If nobody says anything and I feel ugly, my entire psyche shrivels. How pathological is that.

Reiterating it doesn't help any. I'm still psycho. I still need him to adore me. It's killing me that he's not enthralled with me, obsessed with me, like he once seemed to be. Or maybe it's just that now I'm just enthralled and obsessed and he never was.

Augh, it makes me want to tear my hair out and shriek with the injustice of it all. This is not me displaying dramatic adolescent qualities, this is me dealing with my darkest and most deep-seated pathological wounds.

Have pity on me, I'm an idiot.

10:43 p.m. - 2004-03-06


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