drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


tainted love

Candelight. The huge sky is full of stars. Portishead is playing on the MP3 player. JR wears black pants that hug his waist, and is shirtless. He is playing Artistic Photographer. His hair is a mess. He is the sexiest, most beautiful thing I've ever seen. He keeps getting distracted and crawls on top of me and covers my mouth with his and tells me I'm gorgeous and perfect, and irresistible, and it kills him. I am blissful.

What could be more perfect? He already does belong to me, in all but name. Still, I can't help but want every part of him. That little piece he's withholding from me, that silly word I can't even bring myself to whisper ("boyfriend"), is delicious in its very unattainability.

I am not the sentimental type, and I am not the kind who needs everything spelled out and followed according to society's standards. I am, however, extremely jealous, and quite madly in love with him.

Oh, and it makes me so deliciously, euphorically happy to be madly in love with him, at the very same time that it makes me bitter and morose because I cannot take full possession of him.

I am scared that one day we will wake up, as if from a dream, and look around us and see that we are far away from each other geographically and emotionally, and we never gave our sweet, strangled romance a chance. I don't want to become complete strangers with the one man I knew I never would (one man with whom I knew I never would...errr...you know what I mean). This aching, looming possibility is, of course, beyond my control, as he is the one who keeps insisting that it's not time, and reiterating that he's not ready for a full-blown relationship. All the elements are there. Great friendship, great sex, love, the connection, and like-mindedness. But it will never happen, and it breaks my heart to think of us in two years, afraid even to call the other because we don't know each other any more.

I've tried to pour my sour little heart out here, and I haven't even succeeded in voicing a fraction of the fears and worries and thoughts that plague my mind. But I'm afraid this will have to do. I'm sick, remember? and the hour grows later by the minute. :)

Is there any such thing as untainted love?

11:30 p.m. - 2004-02-10


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