drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


more soapy-ness

Erk. Another crazy night. I'm too tired to go into much detail, besides it'd be boring and I don't remember a whole lot anyway. Happily minding my own business, watching High Fidelity (which I haven't finished but am enjoying), I got a text message from JR saying there was a little party, would I like to come over. I agreed.

There were about eleven of us (but believe me, when all eleven are drunk off their asses it seems like a lot more), and everyone was nice. I had a good time, mostly.

The main thing that happened was I got pretty drunk and when lunged at by some random guy, ended up kissing him and letting him take my shirt and bra off. I didn't want him, I didn't want to be doing it, but I let it happen because I wasn't exactly sure how to say no. Somewhere in my alchohol-addled brain, a voice was protesting, and I at least had the presence of mind to steel myself against letting him be number four in Sarah's intimate conquests. How awful would that be, to bang some random partygoer (I think his name was Keo) with whom I didn't even really have a connection? Anyway, the point of the story is that JR (who'd passed out much earlier in evening) woke up and saw it. And got jealous, though he protested that he shouldn't be.

No big huge soap opera (for once), but I feel like a slut, and I wish it hadn't happened.

I got terribly nervous, protested to further advances from Keo, mumbling, "No, I can't, I'm sorry," and slunked into JR's room and climbed into bed and nearly fell asleep. JR eventually came in and pulled off my clothes. We attempted to make love (he confessed this morning that he felt like he had to, to show his manliness, to get back at the guy- "She's sleeping with me"), but I had to stop him. It felt wrong, and I didn't want him to regret it.

We talked about it this morning, though, and I feel a little better. And I think he does too. I'd missed that special banter-exchanging, teasing, comfortable, sexually charged, lusty friendship. With no heavy emotional feelings. He's very special to me, and he knows it. And vice-versa.

Keo stumbled past us into the bathroom at six in the morning, and was unfortunately treated to the sight of JR and I nakedly intertwined (albeit partially covered). I do feel bad about that, I'm sure he had no idea what a complicated tangled web he was brushing up against.

I was awoken again later this morning at eight-thirty by a phone call from my dad, who, leaving a message as I refused to answer, yelled into the phone, "What the fuck? Sarah, you're in big trouble. You're not staying over at JR's house [sorry, Dad, I already did]. Fucking fuck...call me." (or something to that effect.) He'd just found out about our little arrangement, which, no, he hadn't been in on or even privvy to.

So I procrastinated on calling him back. In the meantime JR and I ate and talked and then had incredible sex in the middle of a bunch of gorgeous golden sunshine streaming in his windows.

My dad and I did eventually talk. Suffice it to say that my crazy wild stay-wherever-I-want days are over. I have a curfew now. It's slightly later than it used to be, but not comparable to no curfew at all. Ah well. I don't intend to stay over at JR's house anymore anyway. Last night's incident freaked me the fuck out.

Why is life suddenly such a soap opera again? Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a welcome break in monotony. I just wish it weren't so nerve-wracking.

3:20 p.m. - 2004-01-15


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