drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


better than a soap opera (or a horror movie)

The inconceivable happened, as it usually does.

Let me start at the beginning.

Two days ago JR pulled me aside and confessed that he was 'getting involved' with someone. He's sorry, and he wanted me to know before I found out some other way. Needless to say I was crushed, and consequently too shocked to really think about it. But that day, the more I thought about it, the angrier I became.

What the fuck? This is the guy who has said over and over, "You're so great. But we can't get involved. I'm just not ready for that, I need to be alone for a while. But if I were to, you'd be at the top of my list."


So I ignored him for a few days, and last night got fed up with it. I'm never one to hold a grudge. I'm actually quite impressively bad at it. So I text messaged him, asking if we could talk. I was hoping to rail at him for a while, but realistically expected to just whine a lot and then end up laughing.

Which is what happened. Then we decided to get drunk. So we returned my car to my house so I wouldn't have to drive, he drove me back to his house, and we proceeded to get drunk.

Needless to say, as JR and I are powerless to control our lust even sober, sex was had (I was even wearing my previously mentioned 'sexy underwear', just in case. They had an appropriately warm reception).

Due to my (also previously mentioned) new no-curfew set-up, I could, for once, stay the night.

Which is why it should have come as no surprise that last night was the night Heidi picked to show up at JR's house crying and sobbing. At three in the morning.

Now, this is surprising not for just the obvious reasons, but because she had to negotiate not only a gate (leaving her car behind), but a very long, windy gravel road. On crutches.

Also notable for the charming fact that one night while JR was getting nervous and paranoid about her showing up (made worse because she'd been calling him all week, making sure he wasn't and thanking him for not seeing me), I said, "Lock the gate. What is she gonna do, hop it and hobble down here on her crutches?" (much laughter)

So she shows up on his back porch, the porch that just happens to be connected to the bedroom. He hadn't locked the sliding door, so she slid it open and stood there. We were both asleep at this point, so she must have started calling out for him. As soon as I heard a noise, my alcohol-addled, sleepy brain instantly concluded, "Heidi." And I was right. JR, however, was slower.

"Who is that?"
"Which Heidi?" (which Heidi?)
crying:"The one you're supposed to love!"

At this point my heart is pounding so hard I'm expecting it to pound itself right out of my chest and onto the floor. And I'm breathing like an asthmatic (which I am) after a marathon. But I have the covers over my head. So get this. She sits on the bed. Less than a foot away from me. JR, panicked, says, "There's someone here with me. I have a friend here." She wants to know who. "It can't be Sarah," she reasons, remembering my curfew (the changes to which I thank fucking god did not inform her of). "No, it isn't Sarah," JR mumbles. "Who is it?" She asks, and JR pokes me. I don't know what to do. Does he want me to pop out and say, "Here I am! Surprise!" I just poke him back. She says something like, "Well, sorry honey, but he and I love each other and this is hard," and then miraculously somehow she backed off, and the little party moved onto the porch for a while. They were arguing and she was crying more pathetically than I've ever heard anyone cry before. She kept protesting that he loved her, and she loves him.

Anyway, it ended up taking him ninety heart-stopping minutes to get rid of her. She's a dangerous force because she's psychotic. Any false move and she could blow up. On herself. Literally. And no one wants that.

I have never been more scared in my entire life. That woman keeps us in terror.

As he was trying to get rid of her, I had an epiphany. Great as our friendship is, it's not worth this. Nothing is, to be honest. Nothing is worth that sickening, heart-attack-inducing, constant worry and terror. And earlier in the evening, before mayday, while we were drinking and flirting, I had another epiphany. JR and I are special. We don't need to be in love to be special. I will always be special to him, and vice-versa. We have a cool combination of great friendship, and incredible sex. Even if sex isn't involved, it doesn't mean he doesn't want me or I him. It probably never will.

So I was feeling rather good about the whole situation myself. I just wished that that nightmare hadn't manifested itself. The night was a weird, dreamy, nightmarish haze. But before and after the scare, it was lovely. I think of it as our last go, at least for a while. It was nice. He made love to me in the morning as well, which I've always wanted and have never done.

And I'd just like to say, it never rains but it pours. I've been obsessing over my lack of a love interest for a while now. Then the other night, Elena and I (slightly drunk) met two boys at the beach (thanks to me...). One of them, Paul, is absolutely incredibly gorgeous. Sculpted face, sculpted torso (sculpted hair...very creatively, I might add). And only a year older than I am. He was camping with his brother. They live in California and their father is a pilot for American.

We got to know them quite well. Very engaging boys. And towards the end of the night, Paul started fondling my leg and I requited. We parted with plans for the next day (which was yesterday).

I finally made it to the beach around five, and the boys had to hitchike to the airport (I was expressly forbidden to give them a ride, even despite the newfound freedom. I understand though- I'd only just met them) so we had about an hour before they needed to start catching a ride. Paul and I walked, and there was a point where I almost kissed him, and where I could tell he almost kissed me, but we didn't. For some reason I was quite shy, and not altogether certain if he liked me that way. So I held back. And said goodbye, I'll see you when you come back to visit (a couple of weeks, with any luck). And regretted it.

So, feeling bold (I get that way when not face-to-face), I text-messaged him saying, "Next time you'll have to kiss me."

And this morning the reply came back, "I think you're a very pretty girl, Sarah." He said he'd been kicking himself "in the ass" for not having taken pictures of me. I proposed next time, and he replied, "without a doubt."

I can't wait.

This morning after JR surreptitiously dropped me off at the side of the coffee shop, I was preparing to order a drink and congratulating myself on not having anything I had to do today. And I ran into Mike Williams. He asked, "Do you work today?" And I said, "No...yesss!" Thank god I'd run into him or I'd have completely forgotten. I was very grateful. Then he asked if I'd like to hang out on Friday, one of his days off. "I'll even watch a movie with you at your house...", which, believe it or not, was a very interesting thing for him to say, because remember that phone call, where we decided that our ages weren't compatible? Sometime during the course of the conversation I'd invited him to my house to watch a movie, to which he'd pointedly asked, "Are your parents going to be there?" (yes) and turned me down. It 'made him uncomfortable', or something. And then he went around telling everyone I wanted him to meet my parents, and that just 'weirded him out'. Which, meeting the date being one of the rules of my household, was true, but I never divulged that fact to him. I was being really quite smooth about it. Nothing of the sort about meeting anyone. Isn't it interesting that he'd bring that incident up? I'd been trying to forget it.

I finally caught High Fidelity available in Blockbuster today. I've never seen it, I'm so excited.

3:25 p.m. - 2004-01-14


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