drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary



Is this I-think-I'll-become-inextricably-attached-to-whomever-I-shouldn't thing a permanent fixture or more like a trend? I kinda wanna know because it seems like it's pretty much the story of my life.

I have an addictive personality. I could easily become addicted to cigarettes, I know. When Thomas was smoking around me all the time I could feel myself aching for one at times. Sugar has always been a battle. It makes me manic-depressive, and sick. But I crave it like nothing else.

Apparently relationships are no different.

Milo, while wonderful, should never have become a fixture since he lived fucking halfway around the world! (see last entry about his musical endeavors)

Thomas is pretty self-explanatory (see the cast list if you don't believe me).

And now this. JR is not emotionally available. He will fuck me, the guy has no qualms about that, but he will not let himself care about me. That much.

Is it because of his unavailability that I am becoming attached? Or in spite of? I have a sinking feeling it's the former.

Perhaps I'm doomed.

Which is why, after sobbing to myself in bed at night, I force myself to stop, wipe the snot off my face, wrap my arms around myself, and try to think of my soulmate, the one who loves me exactly as much as I love him. The one who is a perfect match for me in every way. The one who always has time for me and does not suffocate me. The one who tells me all the little things that happen to him because he wants me to share it with him. The one who isn't afraid to be passionately, desperately, head-over-heels, let's-get-married-tommorrow in love with me.

Even a cynic like me likes to dream about that.

12:12 p.m. - 2003-11-27


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