drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


my anipaniphy

JR did it again. And he'll do it again. I was silly to think that 'you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen' translated over to, 'I don't want anything that's not as beautiful'.

So I'm relegated to 'helpful and supporting buddy' once again, since I'm not touching that. Really.

The other day I went and hung out with him and we watched Clerks (which was fucking great, by the way), and afterwards we wrestled. He's surprisingly strong for a computer geek. I still think I could beat him, even after having been pinned down without a hope of escaping. It was fun. And I survived, and emerged unscathed and celibate.

I haven't told him to cease Ex Sex, I haven't been pushy in the slightest, although a big part of me is dying to convince him that all he wants/needs is me. "Exclusivity isn't so bad, really. It's fun! Like our own special little club..."

Ay me.

But I have stumbled upon a game plan. My strategy, if you will. I'll Anne Boleyn him. Meaning I will not let him have me. I will make him want me so badly he thinks he will die, but I won't let him have me. And eventually he won't be able to slight me this way. I will not be ruled by a silly boy who doesn't have his head on straight. I will protect my psyche, my heart, and keep my body disease-free. I won't do it in a conniving, calculating way. That's not me at all. But I will tease him a little and have fun while I'm at it.

I thought of this idea while Nani was going on and on about how since I have the misfortune to be born 'beautiful and with a sweet personality' (hah!), men will want to capture me and mess with me and bring me down (!). Nani thinks men are the scourges of the universe.

I don't, and neither do I agree with her philosophy there, but something struck a chord. I am letting myself be brought down. And I won't let it go on. I will not allow myself to be slighted or my head fucked with. I am not JR's pet. I know he's not doing it on purpose, but it doesn't matter. I'm getting hurt. And this way I get to protect myself, drive him crazy, and be around him all at the same time. Which is what I wanted. The only problem is I'm not getting laid.

Masturbation, anyone?

3:10 p.m. - 2003-11-18


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