drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary



In short. Heidi and JR went to a party together and ended up sleeping together. He brought her to his house. The one we lounge around. The one he wasn't letting her know where it was because she gets psychotic sometimes and he wanted it to be safe.

They slept together. Even after everything JR and I have been through.

Part of me wants to flee the scene, disgusted and indignant. But I know what it's like. I know how it is trying to break off something that was boiling hot for a while. I know how slow and painful it is, and I know that sometimes, no matter how hard you resolve yourself to letting go completely, you can regress at any given moment.

JR told me not to tell anyone, so don't repeat this to him, but he says he doesn't know if he ever really loved her.

I know what that's like too.

He says that if he could clear all this mess away, that he would want to be with me. That we would be really special together.

And goddamnit, my fucking bleeding heart understands. I wish I could be full of righteous indignation and yell at him and remain full of loathing for a long time, but I've fucking been there. No matter how much he cares for me, it makes no difference. Ex Sex is a weird phenomenon that is practically impossible to supress until you're finally, finally done.

So I am left with a bit of a predicament. I wanted to cut myself out of his life. I don't want to hear about Ex Sex and trying to be friends with Heidi. He's lodged too deep inside me for me to feel comfortable with that. And yet. He is one of my best friends. He's wonderful, every minute with him is time well spent. I have never been bored with him, and the conversation just flows like water.

I have never in my life managed to be friends with a guy without some weird thing happening to make it tense. What I mean is, sex is just too inherent in everything for me to be good at that. And JR is oh so irresistible to me. If I were to be around him for very long, I'd forget myself and succumb to everything. And I don't want to hold myself back. I hate that feeling, not to mention the fact that I'm terrible at it.

But I don't want to give myself to him again and hear those words again, feel that cold sting, the wind knocked out of me, the betrayal hanging in the air, not feeling entitled to indignation.

The answer is so simple, so fucking simple. Staring me in the face. Jumping up and down, waving its hand in the air. Stay away from him.

But I have never been able to stay away from JR.

I wish I had never let anything happen between us, even back in the dark days when Heidi advocated it. It would make things so much easier.

Tonight we've decided to go to a film festival thing. It will be nice, spending time with him. We purposely picked a public place so we wouldn't be able to do anything.

Milo would tell me he's a monster, and incapable of fidelity. Using me. Dicking me around.

But I know what he's going through, and I know that he really cares about me, and I know that there's love right underneath the surface, no matter what he says. Something powerful and crazy.

I'm feeling unnervingly okay today. Yesterday I was crying all over the drawing I was making to distract myself. I thought my heart would break. I thought it was the end of the world. But day came and everything seems much more normal now. It's the dreaded Ex Sex and it happens to everyone, sometime. I just got caught in the way.

Oh god, what do I do.

10:03 a.m. - 2003-11-11


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