drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


vanity will be my downfall

For lack of anything else to do I've been re-reading The Other Boleyn, which yes, is a bad book, but I haven't run across anything better that can hold my attention (even the second time around!).
It's a historical soap opera. True story.

Anyway, the Boleyn girls are always worrying about keeping and holding the king (uh, that would be Henry VIII- yes, the one whose attentions wandered all over the country).
What if I were to lose JR's interest? Being gorgeous and desirable to him is a gift I haven't had to worry about losing. He is intelligent, extremely picky in his appreciation for beauty, and important, on top of being the guy I'm not letting myself fall in love with. For some sick twisted reason, his adoration has for a long time been separate from his friendship, him as a person, for me. It's a holdover from when I was young and innocent and, for reasons I could not fathom, coveted. I don't know why his adoration should be any more important to me than his friendship, his respect. Perhaps it isn't.
Perhaps it's just the one thing I have that nobody else has. JR thinks I am the most beautiful girl in the world. What else is there? His enthrallment to me has been something I've taken for granted for years, not fathoming what the fall of that adoration would do to me.

I know now. It would leave me completely destitute. If he were to decide I wasn't beautiful any more, or desirable, and take up with another girl. Which would be the epitome of sliminess, but no less heartbreaking.

It's unfathomable. I shouldn't care. I am so vain.

I want his friendship, his adoration, his affection, his esteem, his respect, all of it. In one. Mine. I want that clean innocent normality to be what I care about. And yet I want it all, even the messy, dirty, lusty, ego-inflating bits. Isn't that what love is about?
I can't remember anymore.
And anyway, love doesn't exist. I keep forgetting.

I must be crazy. I'm sorry.

8:36 p.m. - 2003-10-28


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