drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


i'm scared

"Life only makes sense when viewed backwards. Too bad we have to live it forwards."

Well said. Taken from Girls-Suck, whom I feel as if I should hate but don't.

Despite my being a nymphomaniac and obsessive about looking good and not minding my curves and wearing the occasional dress....I've never felt like most girls, therefore I'm not at all offended when reading insults about girls in general. I don't think any girl feels like most girls, though, to be honest. How's that for a fucking insight?

Goddamnit I've been staring at this screen for way too long. Probably about a full day, all told. That scares the shit out of me.

It's gone beyond procrastination now, it's turned into obsession. And I don't mean of the Calvin Klein sort.

I'm sick of my writing. I'm sick of my layout already. The very thing that made me love it in the first place now makes it hurt to look at. I don't like the idea of having to scramble to hide the picture on my layout whenever someone walks by. What a pain.

I'm scared.

I'm scared that I'll never get into college.

I'm scared that I'll be intermittently sick for the rest of my life.

I'm scared that I am a terminal procrastinator.

I'm scared that I'll never find my retainer.

I'm scared that I'm falling in love with someone who will never fall in love with me. Or won't admit it. Or even if he does, will be unable to be happy being in any sort of relationship with me.

I'm scared that I'm getting uglier.

I'm scared that I'm a screw-up.

I'm scared that all of these hours I spend writing complete and utter shit in this messy locked diary are going to bite me in the ass when I get rejected by every college I apply to.

I'm scared that I have no control over my whims.

I'm scared that I'm a bitch. A bad person.

I'm scared that my parents will find out about all the times I've deceived them. I seriously am. Every time the phone rings and it's answered and I don't hear them speaking for a while, listening, I worry that a tattletale is on the other end, ruining my life. That's getting clinical.

I'm scared that I'm fake.

I'm scared that my black tank top will fall apart. It already is almost threadbare.

I'm scared that I won't be able to find another black tank top like it.

I'm scared that I'm mean to my sisters.

I'm scared that I'm too lazy.

I'm scared that I will never find a pretty pair of shoes I can wear for more than fifteen minutes.

I'm scared that I am a worthless person.

I'm scared that I'm getting ingrown toenails.

I'm scared that I will never be able to assess my eyebrows and their thicknesses in an unbiased way.

I'm scared that I will never truly like myself.

Woah, deep.

8:57 p.m. - 2003-10-22


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