drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


i've got the lemon

Heidi has decided to email me again. Her first line in one of the first emails I've gotten in months is approximately, "Hello. I'm being a hermit lately. All JR and I do is fight and have sex."


What? Uh. Ahem. Uh, can you say that again? I think I must have misheard you there. All you guys do is fight. That's all. Fight. Right?

Now I'm teetering on the edge of despair again. I think must be the two diet cokes I had. I do not want to get melodramatic about all this.

We made a pact that even if we weren't going to be monogamous (which is a silly idea anyway- why retain the worst part of a relationship without the best part- love, belonging, dates, romance) we'd at least tell each other everything. 'Be brutally honest, even if it hurts' was our vow. And he assured me very sincerely that he wasn't sleeping with Heidi. I know they were, in the beginning, when they first split up, before he and I started sleeping together, but they stopped. Or so I thought.

He said he wasn't sleeping with her! Is she exaggerating, trying to stretch the truth so I feel bad (it would be so like her), or was he lying to me? Am I just the most gullible person ever? I cannot fathom the idea that he was lying to me. But then again I have proven myself over and over again to be the worst lie detector in the world. I believe what I want to believe, screw the evidence that's staring me in the face.

The worst part of it is that I have to wait two and a half weeks to ask him. During which time he will undoubtedly have found some gorgeous Philipino girl and have forgotten all about me. It's not like I can ask Heidi to clarify. I can just see it. Me poised with a calender and a pencil. "Okay, tell me the exact date you last had sex with JR."

I am such a sucker for sweet talk. A guy tells me I'm the only girl he wants and I believe him wholeheartedly, because I want to be the only girl he wants. It's a perfect system. That ends in my heart bleeding and smashed on the pavement.

It's so funny (read: inevitable) that this would happen on the day when my boss and I were extemporizing on the evils and infidelities of men. Perfect.

Fucking hell, I should have known that this would happen. And of course there's that voice in my head going, "There's no way. It's JR. He's got it bad for me and nobody else. He would never lie to me. We're straight with each other. We can't fool each other. It can't be."

That voice is almost never right. I thought your subconscious was supposed to be intelligent. Mine flunked Subconscious School. It became a pot-smoking crackwhore who works at McDonalds. Its intuition is completely shot.

Of course I'd get the lemon.

9:11 p.m. - 2003-10-13


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