drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary

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give me the space to ramble and i'm off

JR's gone. This morning I felt so bereft. Empty. Which I hated myself for. I don't need him. He's not mine and he probably never will be. But he does bring a certain something to life these days.

We have this weird, pseudo-relationship. We're friends that fuck, yes, but both of us would be crushed if the other decided to partake of a real relationship (with someone else). And it isn't all lust. We've always had a connection. I've felt that lately it's been going deeper and deeper. But maybe it's just me. Succumbing to the close proximity syndrome. Good thing he went away when he did.

Today Sarah asked me, "Sarah, do you have a boyfriend?" I replied that no, I didn't. And she said, "Oh yeah, I forgot. You're fooling around with that guy. A little on the side. Friends with benefits..." (insert every cliché about affairs here). I was quite astonished. Either she's perceptive, or we're transparent. I have a sinking feeling it's the latter. Then Nani, Sarah, and I were discussing how horrible men are. Which is definitely a fun conversation, especially when you have your own highly cringe-worthy story to tell.

My mind is clear of Thomas. Oh, yes, I think of him once in a great while, but hardly ever, and it's never hard to push him out of my mind.

There were three cop cars parked in front of the coffee shop today. Steve said that there was some argument behind it or something. He was describing a boy to me, who was screaming and most likely the trouble-maker, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out who he meant. I was convinced it was Thomas, but Steve said it wasn't. I would have laughed so hard if Thomas got somehow busted for something. Ah well. One day he will. He'll rot in jail for a while and I won't have been the crying mother of ten who has to whore herself out because her husband's in jail and she has no money. No, I think I'll leave that to some other girl, thank you.

The trouble with ceasing to think obsessively about one boy is I invariably start thinking about another one. I would much rather think about JR a lot, however. It's a much happier thought.

I want to free myself of all romanticism but I can't quite manage it. I can't help wondering what it would be like to be with JR. Later. Longer. See, I can't even say it, can't type it out. I'm so ashamed of thinking it. But I don't think I'm the only one. He's asked me things like, "Where do you want to live?" when he knows perfectly well it's New York, or London, or someplace like that. When I confirm it, he says, "What about somewhere more exotic?" meaning Thailand, where he wants to live. So it's not just me going crazy here. But I'll tell you, that comment sure didn't help my brain wanderings.

He's told me that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now, knows it wouldn't be right for him. But I'm at the top of the list. (There's a list?)

He told me a story about this girl who likes him, and she keeps calling him and wanting to get together with him. I said, "Well, why don't you go out with her?" And he said, "Eh. Well, I just don't... she's not as pretty as you are."

Because that's what counts.

Remember I said that he sees me as I want to be seen, as I think I am? The other night when I was drunk and he was getting belligerent, we were discussing Elena's tan. Elena was talking about how she wanted people to notice that she was tanner, and JR said, "See? That's the first thing I said to you." And I realized that I hadn't even noticed, and said so, and JR said, "That's because you only think about yourself."

Which really upset me at the time. I hear that every day from my parents, and (though ostensibly jokingly) periodically from my friends.

I brought it up to him yesterday, and he said, "Awww, I'm sorry. I didn't really mean it, I was just joking. Why, is it a sore spot?" And I explained that it was and asked him if I was narcissistic and he said, "No. No more than anyone else. Anyway, you should be. You're gorgeous, and smart, and funny, and you've got that voice..."

He sure knows how to get to me. :)

Being with him lately has been incredible. Going over to his house is like Disneyland. It's this beautiful, huge-windowed, light wood-colored place. The view is spectacular, it's warm, lightly breezy, and dry, and it's just magical at night. I feel like a kid playing house in a castle. We can just languish away, the music playing, the house empty and spacious, the bed soft and comfortable. I never want to leave.

A bunch of extended family members are visiting. My aunt is taking part in the Ironman, which is an enormously grueling and competitive triathalon. Swim, bike, and run. Very exciting.

I'm very tired.

I wonder if he feels the same way.

2:23 p.m. - 2003-10-13

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