drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


why marius, i believe i was a little in love with you

Sometimes when I look at articles like 'Thirteen bad eating habits' I check off each one of them and wonder why I'm not a walking blob.

That said, I am sticking to my healthy eating habits these days. Today I bought some sugar-free mint chocolate stuff. It's disgusting. I am an extremely tolerant eater, especially when it comes to sweet things, but that's basically the problem- it's hardly sweet at all. Pour on the sugar, baby, that's the way, oh yeah....

I do miss sugar a lot. It was my main food group.

This thing with JR. I do realize how lucky I am. But I won't let myself think about it. I know that if I hold on too tight to this it will burst, or shatter. Last night I wanted so badly to tell him that I could fall in love with him. Just that way. Whisper delightedly in his ear, "I could fall in love with you, you know," or something. It should be easy, right? I can tell the boy anything, why can't I spit this out? It was practically physically impossible. I just couldn't get my mouth around the words, try as I might, it would not come out. I would be lying on his chest, my hands in his hair, staring at his ocean-colored eyes, trying to force the words out of me, but I couldn't do it. I must have looked very silly.

I cannot imagine anything more perfect than a guy who is one of my best friends, someone I can tell (almost) anything to, someone with whom conversations and laughter flow effortlessly, someone who sees me as I want to be seen, someone who sees through me as well, and adores me anyway, and is a perfect lover to top it all off. Too bad it's the only guy I can't have.

I really want some steak and ice cream.

9:07 p.m. - 2003-09-24


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