drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


cast party blues

I feel acutely aware of my loneliness.

We had our cast party tonight, and yes, it was fun, and yes, I danced around like a madman, but no, I was not drunk. I was high on the loud music and the sweat glistening on my face and chest, on the appreciative glances I was receiving from the males watching, on the way I felt fantastic, like a Broadway dancer, despite the fact that undoubtedly I was making a total ass of myself. Those endorphines, ya know. Ya gotta watch 'em, or they'll trick ya.

After fake-breathlessly asking JR if I was gonna 'get the chance to hang out with the great JR' that night, and receiving a mock-bored 'well, I suppose so', as an answer, he disappeared. No explanation, no alibi, no response to my tentative "JR?" text-message. And just when I was feeling all high and mighty because I was sleeping with him and half-in love with him while all the other girls fawned on him and detailed their 'humungous crushes' on him, too.

So I had to not drown my sorrows, not smoke them out, but dance them out. And it worked for a while, particularly the attention, but it faded and ended and I am left with dried sweat on my body, smeared makeup, and a horrible feeling that everything is all wrong.

And it was going so well

11:26 p.m. - 2003-09-21


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: