drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


melodrama abounds in this one

Not to be utterly despondent, but I'm seriously having a hard time with this. Was it just one too many? Was it the knowledge that he was fooling around on me even before everything went to hell? With yet another superlatively average person?

I happen to have a profoundly fragile ego, prone to immediate discoloration and even disintegration at the slightest provocation (I wish I could let that slide, but it rhymed. Triple rhymed. I had to point it out. See, I can poeticize!).

Which is why hearing over and over again that the boy I trusted for six months, the boy I convinced myself I loved, the boy I invited into my house and pants, lied to me the whole time I knew him, shatters my soul. He lied to me over and over and over again, callously, without a second thought. It was effortless, natural, impersonal. And convincing.

I have a deep and unfortunate need to feel special. And the more I hear about that ex-boyfriend of mine, the less special I feel.

I mean, if you're gonna chase skirts on your girlfriend, you might as well pick some superior skirts.

I cannot even fathom what goes on in his head. Does anything? And how chilling it is to think thoughts like these when for months I'd let him in so close. It's like finding yourself cuddled up in a warm bed with a cockroach.

Yes, the more I hear the less special I feel. And the more shattered my being is.

I feel myself sinking into complete and utter despondency.

10:33 p.m. - 2003-09-10


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