drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Today the cast bid a fond farewell to Jenna, who was our temporary Beatrice.

Jenna and I have never really liked each other that much. We've never argued or been impolite to each other's faces, but there's no love lost between us.

The whole cast mentioned how sweet and nice and caring and friendly and outgoing she is. How warm she always was to them, how welcome she made them feel. And one cast member said, "In the theater there is a lot of selfishness, and in the midst of that, you took on a thankless job. To put in all the effort and hard work without actually appearing in the show, onstage, opening night, that's really brave."

At the word 'selfish', it was like he'd slapped me in the face. It made me wonder. Would I do it? Help the play with no payoff?

My answer was yes, but I realized that I wouldn't be doing it to be nice, to help anyone out. I'd do it because I love the plays, the theater. Even if I never got to be the star, onstage under the hot lights.

It made me wonder what they'll say about me when I leave.

"So long, you volatile, unstable, narcissistic bitch" was what I came up with.

Maria Callas once said that to survive in show business, you have to think you're the best.

How can you sell your self to the world if you don't value it very highly? I am not going so far as to say that I think I am the best, but I do think that I have something important to offer and I have no doubt in my mind that I can make it. I'm sorry if that makes me look narcissistic and selfish, but grow up. When has a little narcissism ever hurt you? I do make it a point to always be friendly and polite. I would never think of affecting a diva persona.

I feel judged.

On the back of the tickets to the show that we have to hawk like whores selling our bodies, or girl scouts selling cookies, pictures of the four of us leads appear. Unidentified. No explanation. Just me looking retarded.

Today I went on a pay day shopping spree. I have got to stop doing that. When I went to cash my check, the teller said, "So, Sarah, have you ever thought of getting an account here?" And I almost said, "But that would infringe upon my impulsive buys!"

I just peeled off all the black nailpolish I so painstakingly applied the other day. With top and bottom coat and everything. I was not meant to wear nail polish.

Do anyone else's knees sweat? Mine are like fountains.

8:43 p.m. - 2003-09-04


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