drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- poisonous obsession I still like to search for him in the Diaryland search area. I randomly type in keywords like "ninja inside" "pimpin'" "raver" "techno" "mechanic", thinking maybe I'll hit the jackpot. I try to think of his favorite movies, authors, music. "Nirvana" "Sublime" "Hunter S. Thompson" "Tupac" "Stupid Dumb Brainless Rap Music"-- I don't know. All because I am hoping I will stumble across the key to his psyche. Why? Does that mean I'm still attached to him? Well, I should be able to answer that with the way my heart stops every time I pass someone with a red baseball hat on, the way I cannot seem to stop myself from automatically scanning every car that even comes close in color and shape to any of the four he drives. The way I sit at the coffee shop, hating myself for wanting him to show up. Scared that he won't. Scared that he will. My psychology book defines "obsession" as unwanted, recurring, innapropriate thoughts. There. I've diagnosed myself. But I cannot think of anything I fear more than being obsessed with my psychotic, idiotic, pathological ex-boyfriend. Nope, that tops the list. 11:38 p.m. - 2003-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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