drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in which past, present, and future tenses get all mixed up and I realize that the world really is after me Heidi just 'can't handle' JR and I being friends. She wrote me an email in which she explained that she "was willing to stay away, but JR had to be friends with me, so I told him to make a choice". That's not the way I heard it. JR had been trying to get her off his back for weeks and she wouldn't leave him alone. "If he wants to be friends with me he has to stay away from you. Sorry. I hope you can understand why he made that choice." What?! A few hours later, me, at the coffee shop, still not really believing it, hand in book, staring at the bushes, JR comes by. "So I take it you got her email." Oh my god, it's true. Nod. JR: "I'm sorry. It's the only option." Me: (not trusting myself to talk for fear I'd burst into tears) "Whatever." He lingered for a while, mumbling variations on the above sentences, and I just bit my lip and stared away. He leaves awkwardly. Unable to control my tears, I run off the behind the coffee shop, near the woods, lean against a tree and start sobbing. Then I remember my purse, all by its lonesome on my chair. Thankful that I have sunglasses to cover my mascara streaks, I trudge over, intending to grab it and come back to my haven. There is JR. I make a detour to the bathroom, hoping he'll go away. He doesn't. I sigh and collect my things. "Can I talk to you?" He says in an indiscernable tone. I guess. We walk. He explains that "Heidi is obsessed with you. Don't tell her I told you that, but there's no other way to say it. And the thought of us together is for her so unimaginably painful. Even if we're not doing anything, it causes her pain like I couldn't even dream of." There is a big, long-winded explanation, containing the sentiment that we are equally important to him and he cares about both of us, and to "stop Heidi from committing suicide, basically" (at which point I snorted derisively and then regretted it, since he seemed to be serious- woah) he's come up with the only solution there is: cut both of us out of his life. He cried. A grown man sobbing heartbreakingly, messily, is not something I've seen often in my life, nor is it something I want to see ever again (well, I wouldn't mind seeing Thomas cry his fucking eyes out). Needless to say, I was sobbing as well. He's so special to me. I've known him for a long time, but not until the last few weeks have I really gotten to know him. We've always understood each other, been attracted to each other, liked each other, but I've never talked to him on the phone every night for hours, poured my heart out and listened to his being poured out... it was a new experience. And it was wonderful. I've been happy. I've felt like there is someone in the world who really really understands me and cares. He's held me together for the last few weeks (he says I've held him together). I think without him a few things would have been nigh unbearable. And now he's ripped away from me. The person who was becoming my closest friend and confidant is being ripped away from me because Heidi is jealous. The message in her email was quite clear. "I told him to choose, and he chose me. I won. You lose." But JR said that he's giving us both up. It isn't fair to anyone. Nothing is fair. "Really, you're the one who has it the worst. You were just minding your own business," he said. It's true. I never set out to steal anyone, or make anyone jealous, or hurt anyone. I was just happy to find someone who understood. The universe is repeatedly ripping me off. The cosmos are stiffing me. Fuck. And I know it sounds melodramatic, I know it sounds like a ridiculous soap opera, but it's my life. I'm sorry. My life repeatedly stabs me in the back and when I turn around it looks the other way and whistles innocently. Fuck. 9:08 p.m. - 2003-08-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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