drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary

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soap opera? you better believe it.

Today started out relatively well.

Hah.

Then Jenna (of The Über Couple) came and monopolized the conversation like she just doesn't seem to be able to help doing, so, nauseated, I left (it's not that I have to be the center of attention, I just cannot stand it when someone else is for three hours. Is that wrong?) and went to sit behind the coffee shop with my carefully disguised (as a mocha) Bailey's and stare at the rain. I was feeling sort of sorry for myself, and then, after an eternity, JR walked over to me, squatted down, and said, "You wouldn't believe what Jenna was just saying."

Completely uninterested, thank you.

"What."

"It's about Thomas."

Okay, you have my attention.

Apparently when Jenna's parents were gone, a couple weeks ago (before I started hanging out with Thomas again and let him come over and fuck me) Thomas had been calling her all week, wanting to come over. So finally she let him, and he tried to get her drunk, then suggested she 'change into something more comfortable' (it's so like him to use such an braindead cliché), and then told her that she was 'really fuckeable' and that he was 'really good in bed' and they should 'sleep together' and basically just made a complete idiot of himself trying to get her in the sack.

Boring yet not entirely horrible day instantly blackened. Just add Thomas anecdotes, and stir.

I cried. I was so sickened. And JR was wonderful. He sat and talked to me on that hard cement ground, with the rain pouring off the porch roof, while I was crying and snarfling and probably not all that intelligible, and listened and offered comforting statements and compliments and analysis.

Thomas has no emotion. "He cannot love, nor take no shape nor project of affection- he is so self-endearéd"- sorry, Much Ado lines running through the brain. But the truth is, he is not self-endearéd, and that's the whole point. He just blindly seeks attention, from whomever.

One of the things he hated about having me as a girlfriend is that all of his friends and his teachers and random people on the street would tell him how gorgeous his girlfriend was. He was deathly afraid of me running off with one of them. He has no self-esteem. And that fear is projection, really (psych course paid off, I guess) because he is the one who was the lying, cheating bastard.

I always knew he was interested in Jenna, and some other girls for that reason, because they weren't the kind that stopped traffic. Not the kind that random strangers would hit on, not the kind of whom he would have to defend his claim.

I feel so very unspecial. I'm just the one who didn't reject him outright. He hung on because I let him fuck me, and I paid attention to him. I made him feel special. But as soon as the attention wanders, or is blocked by something, anyone will do. Might as well give it a shot, huh?

But JR always makes me feel better.

And then Heidi called. Wanted to keep him on the phone for hours, right when he was talking to me. So when he tried to wriggle out of the conversation, she blanched. She had also asked him if he'd seen me (to which he replied that he had). After they hung up, she called him back a minute later, crying about how he didn't want to talk to her. He hung up on her.

And I

quickly

left.

5:02 p.m. - 2003-08-23

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