drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


someone save me from myself

I am so angry right now I can hardly see straight. That FUCKING BASTARD!

If you don't care about my ranting feel free to skip this entry. But I am by no means going to refrain from ranting. No fucking way.

I hate Thomas Avila with more passion than I have in me. This causes a considerable chemical imbalance in my body. I feel like I'm going to snap in half with the violence of it.

That disgusting retarded asshole told me that Rebecca is smarter than I am. Rebecca, as in purple/pink-haired (that in itself is a tip-off) little fifteen year old who goes to what is probably the worst public school in our state, which is saying a lot as our state has the worst public schools in the nation. Thomas goes there, and he's so stupid he can't spell for SHIT and his grammar is shit and he has no fucking vocabulary. I was a fucking idiot to keep dating him for so long. But I'm a sucker for adoration and regular sex with someone who knows and appreciates my body. The fact that he's dumb as a fucking rock didn't seem to matter that much. But throw in kleptomania and compulsive lying along with more personality disorders than I care to recount... that was too much for me. Can you blame me?

Oh my god, I cannot believe how pathetic I am. I should NOT be wasting my time with this DICKHEAD! And yet I call him and plead with him to care about me and to stay on the line with me even though I'm insulting him because I have no one else to turn to. At this moment, nobody on Earth knows or cares how I feel.

I feel so helpless! There is nothing I can do. I want to hurt him so badly. I want to kill him. I'm not even myself. I feel like a different person, a psychopath in someone else's body. My mind is racing through all the psychopathic things I could do. Take the van and track him down and stab him where his fucking heart should be? Pour sugar in his tank? Funny thing is- that would probably make him angrier.

I'm feeling very destructive. Razor blades? Knives? No guns, ever in my house. I want to mar my body, make it bleed, anything to get rid of this mental PAIN! Can I just transfer it to physical pain, please? Anything to get rid of this terrible violence in my blood.

I am not the cutting kind ("...and now she says she knows...you're not the hurting kiiyiind..." ...sorry- couldn't help it). I have no control when it comes to hurting myself. My body just won't let me do it. Once I traced a pattern in my arm with a safety pin. A fucking safety pin. Woohoo. Let's lock 'er up, boys, we've got a scratcher here. I'm a fucking wuss. Sometimes I have so much respect for those people who are actually brave enough to starve themselves, make themselves throw up, cut themselves, kill themselves. I don't know why. It's not particularly intelligent. The thing is- I don't want to hurt myself. I want to hurt him. So I would never be able to do those things to myself.

I have nobody. I am so lost. Heidi is taking JR to the airport. They are both lost to me tonight. Elena is miles and miles away, completely unreachable. My parents are just as unreachable even though proximity is not an issue. I have no fucking friends. Nobody cares about me except for these people. I am so completely alone. I feel like the last person on Earth. No, worse. The last lonely person on Earth.

I sound like an idiot. I sound pathetic.

But I am pathetic. So why not sound like it?

OH GOD!!! I am more intelligent than she is. I must be. I have to be. But being cuckolded does not necessarily make you unintelligent, just gullible. I will not tolerate the idea that she is more intelligent than I am. I feel so powerless over it. Even the fact that I'm much better looking than she is doesn't make me feel better, which says something. I have never valued intelligence very highly. But now it seems vitally important. I must be thought unusually intelligent! I refuse to be one-upped by a girl with purple hair.

I am such a narcissistic, prejudiced bitch! I'm sorry.

And I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared that I'll rationalize his dickheadedness to myself. My fucking libido always gets the best of me. "He's just stupid, Sarah, he didn't mean it, look, he loves you and thinks you're prettier. Isn't that reason enough to fuck him?"

NO! It is not reason enough. Oh god, please please give me the strength to withstand my self-destructiveness. Let me be stronger than my libido. Than my loneliness.

What I really need to do is go sleep with one of the boys.

Oh my god I'm such a freak!

Well, maybe it will give me something else to think about. Maybe I'll catch a venereal disease, that could be distracting. Fun.


I don't want to be a whore. But what better solution? My libido is satisfied, my brain has something else to think about, and Thomas is a non-issue.

I have to make this promise to myself. I can NOT go on like this. I can't find myself on the phone pleading with him for a scrap of dignity anymore. I have to be strong, I have to stay away from Thomas.

If he had only called me back I would have been his forever. I'm that lonely and desperate.


Maybe I'll go lesbian.

8:07 p.m. - 2003-07-09


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