drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


a plague on both your houses

Did I break a mirror or something? Walk under a ladder, let a black cat cross my path (oh wait, that one's entirely possible [Lucifer, the Devil Cat, has recently been added to our family]), forget to knock on wood, been cursed by a witch? My luck has gone from fucking shitty to indescribable. Okay, I know I have it good compared to a lot of people, but damnit this is my life and it's horrible right now. I'm too worn out to detail all the little annoying bits of bad luck that've happened, but the biggest one involves me, sleepless, with my throat the size of a Goodyear tire, and my forehead on fire, feet frozen, body aching, up all night. It still hurts. I was hoping it'd be a 24 hour thing, but I wouldn't be so lucky.

I'd like to inform all of you that Milo has rebuffed my little extension of friendliness and for-old-time's-sake-ness. It wasn't like I was asking him to be mine again.

I also managed to insult one of my mom's friends, lose that really nice silver thumb ring Thomas gave me (and then recover it once I'd decided that I didn't want Thomas's ring anyway [but I've since decided that I deserve it for putting up with his assholeness]), make a fool out of myself in front of my boss, realize that I am flat broke and no one will lend me money, and fall further into the chasm of doom and despair.

On the up side? There is no upside.

Oh yes there is.

I'd like to think that I am a hardened, jaded cynic, but there is a side of me that can't help trying to find something good. I suppose that's the part of me with a will to live.

I've been feeling really invisible and unattractive lately- oh! another horrible thing- I got told I look like Chelsea Clinton. She looks like a fucking horse! I've been told that I look like Jennifer Connelly, Fairuza Balk, Christina Ricci, Anna Paquin, Liv Tyler, but NEVER Chelsea fucking Clinton. The waitress who relayed this unfortunate information to me sort of muttered, "I guess you hear this all the time..." it was all I could do not to choke to life out of her. You just don't tell someone that. Unless she is Chelsea Clinton.

-But anyway- there is a very handsome, young (as in, not ten years older than I) guy who I think is a guard at a store who is a definite possibility.

I guess I just want some excitement, I want that thrill coursing through my veins, the thrill of being in love, or of the possibility of being in love. I want that adrenaline rush you get when that guy wants you too. When he kisses you. When he makes love to you.

I think I'm getting over the T-word. My mom called him a loser to one of her friends, and it made me think. Yes he is. And everyone but me knows it. I remember when all the guys (the ones he thinks are his friends!) were laughing at him behind his back. It's because he is a loser, and stupid to boot. I'm very glad I'm rid of him. It just would be nice to have regular sex and adoration again. That's really all I miss.

Another good thing- I'm being reviewed! I'm very excited about it, but I have the sinking feeling that my luck is going to have an effect on it. Oh, who am I kidding, if my diary is shit I'll get informed, that's all. But it just thrills me that someone is reading my diary! :)

I get paid on Wednesday, that's another good thing.

I get off this rock in a year, that's another good thing.

I'll most likely be dead in seventy, that's another good thing.

6:49 p.m. - 2003-06-16


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