drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


fat cow

I really really did not want to have to start worrying about my weight. I mean, I always did, to some extent, but recently I've stopped thinking about it every second of the day. Tonight I got called fat (or approximately) twice. Paul-the crazy fuck in chorus who insults everyone and then laughs hysterically afterwards, to me, looking for a plate for dessert: "Did you eat already?" Me: "What?" Paul: "Dinner." Me: "Yeeeeeess..." Paul: "Oh well, then you shouldn't eat more."

A little earlier: Me: "I'm going to go get dessert..." Stephan, gay guy who is alternately funny and sweet and stupid and annoying by turns in an obnoxious I'm-warning-you kind of voice: "Fluffy fluffy..." Me: "WHAT?" I had to make him repeat it a few times, I just couldn't believe that that was what he was saying and meant. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. It's not like I'm humungous, okay, I'm not anorexic, but I'm no fucking blimp.

In the last week or so I've been worrying about it more, and this lovely little culmination just made my year. Thank you very much. I am a strong believer in the fact that people who are fat KNOW they are fat, and people who don't don't need to be enlightened. What, everybody has to feel bad about themselves? People can't just go around feeling good about themselves? You have to insult them because you have an ugly face or you're worried about your fat stomach or you're a fucking idiot?

you think you're telling me for my own good. if you didn't, i might go around thinking i'm beautiful or something. heaven forbid.

I mean, FUCK, this really gets on my nerves. It sort of hearkens back to those lovely days I thought were bygone when I was corrected in my assumption that I was a pretty, young girl.


Here's a survey I stole from Elena:

1. About You

(a) Who are you? Sarah

(b) What are you? I'm still trying to figure that out.

(c) Why are you? I think I'm here to sing and entertain and maybe I'll develop a cause along the way that I can fight for. On the other hand, maybe I can just make people happy.

(d) When are you? a long time ago.

(e) Where are you? in front of the computer.

2. Thoughts And Views

(a) Your favourite literary quote? "You little rascal, you've pinched my wife!" "What, me, monsieur? Search me!" -Gavroche from Les Miserables by Hugo. Also, "I'll think about it tommorrow. After all, tommorrow is another day." -GWTW (I've discovered italics, cantcha tell).

(b) Why? The former is inexplicably hilarious to me, the latter describes me perfectly.

(c) Your favourite lyrical quote? "Imagine there's no heaven,

It's easy if you try,

No hell below us,

Above us only sky,

Imagine all the people

living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,

It isnt hard to do,

Nothing to kill or die for,

No religion too,

Imagine all the people

living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,

I wonder if you can,

No need for greed or hunger,

A brotherhood of man,

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer,

but I'm not the only one,

I hope some day you'll join us,

And the world will live as one."

-John Lennon

(d) Why? Beautiful, idealistic, rebellious, blasphemous, intelligent, simplistic.

(e) What happens when we die? I can't presume to know. I believe it's something like What Dreams May Come. But I also think it's different for everyone. Who knows, maybe whatever you believe will happen happens. Athiests disappear. Christians and Catholics and the rest of them go to Heaven (and mourn their friends who 'went south'- sorry, that's a point I love to argue and frustrate myself about), Hindus reincarnate, etc...

(f) What is your opinion on your current government? They're all idiots. But I don't know shit about running a government.

(g) Aside from in self-defence, is murder justified in certain situations? If so, which? Not justifiable.

(h) What is your political stance? We need to form an alliance with the whole world and share resources and concentrate on the important things: education, cures for diseases, the environment, preservation and distribution of resources, etc..., instead of trying to think up the most lethal weapon that will kill the most people.

(i) What is your religious leaning? I believe in god, but I don't follow any specific religion. There is so much hipocrisy, and I don't believe that by simply subscribing to someone's preconceived theory and showing up at a building a few times a week you solve all your problems and are subsequently more pure and smarter and destined for greater things than the next person. I don't see how one can agree with everything in a book unless it's been forced upon one as soon as one can comprehend it. But I believe that there is structure to things, and there is a higher power who loves us. I definitely don't believe in hell or the concept that god punishes us. How could someone who's all-powerful be caught up in petty things? I think everything is focused on learning and becoming better and being happier.

3. Everybody Knows...

(a) When would you say you 'grew up' and stopped being a child? When I realized that I was attractive to the other sex. But I'm still a child in lots of ways. Most people always are.

(b) Did a specific event cause this? Brendon Haas, 6th grade. First boy who had a really big, serious crush on me.

(c) Do you think you're fairly well-adjusted in life? If you listen to my mom, I'm a mess. I think I get along all right, but there are a fuckload of things to work on, and I'm learning more every day.

(d) Would you be willing to take part in a Big Brother style show? Absolutely not.

(e) Share one secret: Everything I'm willing to divulge has been divulged.

4. How did it come to this?

(a) Describe your current employment/educational status: Student working at a taco stand. :)

(b) Relationship status: Possessed.

(c) Financial situation: I'm poor 'cause of that fucking HAT!

(d) Physical health: I'm an asthmatic...but I'm definitely pretty fucking lucky.

(e) Mental health: Damaged at the moment, but usually fairly good.

8:17 p.m. - 2003-05-18


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