drunkencynic's Diaryland Diary


ditzy slut, old friend, Milo, The House

Okay. I am so fucking sick of being the silly, ditzy, pitied airhead. I play it up sometimes, I know, because people think it's cute for a while but I am labeled and I hate it. And now I'm getting the slutty ditzy airhead reputation, which is even more fun. Why can't I ever be the level-headed, mature, intelligent, responsible one? Maybe because I'm not. But I think I do have it in me. I mean, I used to be that way. I was always outgoing and spontaneous but not at all slutty or ditzy. And to tell the truth, I don't think I am slutty, or ditzy. Perhaps it may appear that way but you could only really think that if you don't know me.

But then again I am not feeling very intelligent of late.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I didn't look this way. I think it would be very uncomplicated, or at least less so. Milo asked me once if I would have let myself fall for him if I didn't think he was gorgeous and I replied that I think I already had. But upon asking him the same thing, he couldn't answer. You know, we're all shallow, whether we like to admit it or not. It is certainly harder to fall for an unattractive person than an attractive one. Perhaps we may not even give the unattractive person a chance. That's why the internet is cool. You don't have to worry about being judged on how you look. And sometimes I'm so sick of people writing me off as a ditz or vain or bitchy just because I look like this. I feel like I have to work twice as hard to get people (women, actually) to like me, to accept me.

I am trying to give Milo up. It's very hard, but I think it is the right thing. I've been clinging to him desperately, afraid to let go for fear I'd be rendered even more incompetent than when I had him. Which may turn out to be true, but it's okay. I have to stand on my own two feet. I have to live my life. And whenever I talk to him, I feel so confused. I fall in love with him all over again and plead with him all over again to take me back. That needs to stop. He's trying to convince me that really, deep down, I know he's right, and you know what? He's probably right about that too. But the fact is, it doesn't change anything. I don't know why it doesn't, but it doesn't. I know it should, but it doesn't.

Although I should mention that I have been considering giving them up of my own accord. Last night Elena and I watched What Dreams May Come (a movie I loved, and for good reason, when I was younger. It makes even more sense to me now.) and I broke down and sobbed right in their house. When he came in, he looked at me and kind of half-laughed, asking Elena, "Is she okay?" then, "Okaaaay...." and sort of chuckling, left. And it was just like, look at this. What is wrong with this picture? Here I am crying my eyes out, my heart is broken in two for this ridiculous, stupid, disgusting thing I did, and he's laughing and going back to fuck his girlfriend.

So it's under debate. But if I am going to do what Milo thinks I should, it won't be because Milo thinks I should.

This entry is a little raw and unfinished because I have to go now, but it's something to think about. I'm glad I have this thing so I can organize my brain a little. It sure needs it.

5:16 p.m. - 2002-12-01


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